This..............is American Idol.
and this.........is an American Idol live blog. I bet y'all missed it didn't ya? Yeah, you did. I'm sitting next to Zozizzle right now and we've decided we're going to split this live blog up. I will do the first 5 guys, and she will do the last 5 guys. We hope you enjoy!
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Mind Grapes's AI mind grapes:
After last week's results show I say we just scrap the entire show and have Kris Allen and Allison Iraheta perform every week for us. It will be one million times better than the crap they've been giving us so far. Crystal Bowersox is sick so the guys are going today. BOW.ER.SOX. BOW.ER.SOX. BOW.ER.SOX. And here are your guys! Mmm John Park. TIIIIIIMMMMM! I hope he sucks again and I hope he stays regardless! :D
And now the judges: Randy FOR ME FOR YOU Jackson. Ellen...she's been ok so far. KARA DIAF DIOGUARDI. Simon...idek what to say about you. Kara, your hair is tacky and I hate you.
BIG MIKE
DID YOU KNOW HIS WIFE HAD A BABY? I know, right? they've never mentioned it on the show before. Also, he was in theater. That's kind of cute. He's bench pressing Aaron Kelly lol. Ok, I liked that. OMG IS HE GOING TO HAVE HIS TINY, UKELELE GUITAR?! No. Bummer. He's singing "This is a Man's World" by James Brown. Alright...bringing the soul. I can dig it, Big Mike. He has a nice, smooth R&B voice. Too many pauses. Get down w/ your bad self, Big Mike. It was good...I mean, it was in tune which is already a better start for the guys than last week. WHAAAAAAA? Randy just gave him a standing O. Yo dawg, that's hot. The rest of the judges liked it. Good on ya, Big Mike. Ah don't injure the Seacrest! HE HAS A BABY?!
JOHN 'CUTE ASIAN' PARK
I love John Park because he is cute and Asian. His performance last week was not so good though. Be better this week, John! HIS A CAPELLA GROUP IS CALLED 'PURPLE HAZE'!!! He grew up in Korea and it's his second language. Wowee John. Zozizzle said he's wearing a very Kris Allen outfit this week. I knew you were a secret Kris fan, Zozizzle. He's singing "Gravity" by John Mayer. GO JOHN GOOOOOO! omg he looks so nervous! I don't knooooow. LOL I don't know what I think about this. I think he's singing it pretty well, but at the same time, this is slightly awkward. Alright John....Yeah....IDK. Randy didn't think he brought anything new to it, and I agree. It was sung well, but a little robotic maybe? Oh John....You had so much potential. Zozizzle thinks he needs more eye contact...at least I think that's what she's saying. She's making 'eye contact' hand motions IDK. Simon seems sad.
NAKED CASEY
HE'S NOT EVEN THAT CUTE! He grew up w/out a TV. You poor poor child, Casey. Oh...."I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin Degraw. He's playing his electric guitar. WTF?! He has a secret ritual before the show? I'm so confused. He says he will reveal it if he makes it to the Top 10. Well that's one way to get votes. Whooooaaaaaa shredding it up, Naked Casey. OMG I THOUGHT THE AMP WAS THE BOX LOOLOLOLOLOLOL. Zozizzle and I agree that the guitar is a little distracting, b/c I'm not really focusing on his voice. But when I do...it's really just OK. I think he's almost trying too hard to sound like Gavin. FACE MELTING SOLO! Um...this is a singing show though lol. Hm....it was a'ight dawg. I agree completely with what Ellen said. It was a little stiff. OMG STFU KARA BEFORE YOU EVEN START. UGH GROSS. Uh oh, the cougar is turning on him. BAZING Simon! Wow, he's really tall.
AWKWARD MULLET LAMBERT
I get the Lambert hahahahaha! He is such an awkward turtle. Please be extremely awkward this week, Alex. OMG PLAID JACKET! LOLOLOL WTF IS HE WEARING? CUT YOUR HAIR, FOOL. Ooooooh he can play a guitar. Everyone can play the guitar on this show. Remember when Kris Allen was the only one who played the guitar? Good times. OMG he is precious. He's so cute. He has his own language. And he's singing in his language! OMFG THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! OMG....OMFG I LOVE HIM. He is such a love. I just want to pick him up and squish him. Singing John Legend "One More Try". Zozizzle is skeptical. She knows her J.Leg. Aw just him and his guitar. I kind of like the tone of his voice. Aww he's smiling. He definitely looks more relaxed. I'm digging this. Ok, I think I really liked that. I'm rooting for you, Alex, you little adorable thing! He made it his own. LOL Ellen with the banana metaphors again. The judges like him. Simon told him he thinks he doesn't beleive he can win. I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO SAY THAT! I KNEW IT! Do you know why? Because he said the same thing to Kris last year. Multiple times. Suck it, Simon! Ahem...Yay Awkward Alex! Go Mullet! :D
KRIS ALLEN COMMERCIAL ALS;DFJLASDFJAKLSDFJALSFJALSKDJFALSJFAA;LSJF;;LASKJDFASL;DJFSALDJF.
Ok...we can turn it off now :D
TODRICK
What is that suit? Shiny. Todrick...he's very slick, ya know? I can't tell if he's a good guy or if he's just playing one. He's a dancer! Ellen liked him last week. Well, Ellen does like dancing. PAUUULLLLAAAAAA! I miss you, Paula :( He's singing Tina Turner's something. IDK they didn't say the name of the song. Oh..."What's Love Got to Do With It?" He's standing and singing, so...no dancing this week. His voice is pretty good, I guess. Oooh yeah, he's really breaking it down at the end. Much better. His falsetto is nice. I think he has good stage presence, but maybe not the most unique or strong voice. Ellen wants him to dance lol. WTF ARE YOUR WORDS, KARA? I'm pretty sure Simon just called him 'Tondrick' lolololol. Theme park...cruise ship....back alleyway...Benihanas.
Zozizzle's AI mind grapes:
Hello! I guess I'm covering the 2nd half of the guys!
Mind Grapes just started singing Tina Turner as the Swedish chef. I think she sounds better than Tondrick. She really wants some chocolate....and now..she wants ice cream..and now, she's back to chocolate. Now, she wants ice cream...with chocolate in it..make up your mind, woman!!!
And now...we're back!
Next up is Jermaine! Not to be confused with the awesome Jemaine from FOTC. OhMagGag. Why is he wearing a puke-green onesie? With dinosaurs? He claims to be an artist...but not yet a picasso. He's singing "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye. A tall order. Mind grapes really hates him because he chose the same song as Kris Allen. Mind Grapes sees his switching tempo a mile away. I think he's all right, but he's milking it a bit too much. I can tell he is deeply in love with the sound of his own voice. He hits the high note, but he's coming off as a little try-hard for me. But it all comes down to what the judges think...Randy thinks he was better but is ultimately reduced to groans because Jermaine fell a little short. Ellen supports his onesie wearing ways. Kara hits it on the head by saying his performance feels forced. Simon says he watered down the song, and I agree. Jermaine gets desperate that he asks what song he should pick for next week, Simon slams him by saying he might not be here next week. Ouch, Simon. But I kinda hope he's right. He's a jack of all trades singing-wise, but a master of none.
Next up is "I'm Not Danny Gokey" Andrew Garcia! America, I'm only gonna tell you this one time: wearing glasses and being heavy does not constitute a Danny Gokey 2.0!
Mind Grapes has chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream on the brain. She thinks she has fudge. We both like the words "jackanape" and "mountebank." Fun fact, if you look up "mountebank" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Jermaine there.
Kris Allen wants me to buy a Ford Focus. Mind Grapes just yelped for joy. I should be used to this by now.
And...we're back from commercial! Ryan's tie is too matchy-matchy for his suit. Use contrasting colors, Ry-Ry!! Haven't you learned anything from all the red carpets you've done on E!?
Andrew Garcia's a b-boy!!! That's kinda cool. He's got swag, ya'll. His song choice? James Morrison: "You Give Me Something." He's sitting on a stool sans guitar! That's right boyyy, just sing. Mind Grapes thinks his outfit is strange. I concur. His voice does have that James Morrison raspiness..but can he make it his own?? He's changing the melody, but has he changed it too much? Uh oh. Randy said he was pitchy, and said he misses the quirky Andrew Garcia. I do, too. It was a little too cookie-cutter soul-singer for me. I think they're all waiting for him to top his cover of "Straight Up." The trouble is he peaked early, which makes it harder to surprise the fickle judges of AI.
Aaron Kelly's next, and he's a little stick of a boy. Or as Mind Grapes likes to call him: Aaron, THE FETUS, Kelly!
Commercial break!!!! Send in the KRAKEN!!! KFC has boneless fish fillet. In a cup. The girl from that 70s show is going to be in the new House episode. She looks like she's gonna die. In the show, people! Not in real life.
The FETUS sings next! Why is there a wheel in the middle of a AI table? Fetus loves photography, apparently. The camera he owns is bigger than his entire head. Simon apparently is rooting for him...His song: My Girl by The Temptations. should be interesting. He's bringing a little country-twang to this Motown classic! It's surprising, but it's not bad. He's hitting his notes pretty well. He sounds a little like Keith Urban to me. The high note is a little iffy...ouch. Stop, AARON! Okay, that's better. You can't be nervous when you go into your falsetto!! Overall, though, a solid performance from the 9 week old, er...adolescent-esque Aaron Kelly. Randy and Ellen and Kara are feeling this week's performance. Kara's hair is distracting to me. Was she stuck in a wind tunnel before the show? Simon said this song was a step backwards...basically, he wants him to be the next Justin Bieber. But, Simon, he can't betray his country heart!!
Tim "Bangs of Glory-Polar-Ice White Teeth-Lego-Hair" Urban is up next! Mind Grapes thinks he's the epitome of awful, and thus, logically, wants to try her darndest to vote him through to the next round. Apparently, he's the underdog because one of the guys dropped out. A boy can only ride the pity wave for so long, though (fingers-crossed!).
Mind grapes says I write in loser-case. I'll wear my font-badge proudly!!!
Tim will be singing "Come On Get High" by Matt Nathanson. Good song choice, but how will he sound? Will there be less cater-wauling? Massive. bangs. are. massive. He sounds a lot better than last week, and he seems to have regained his confidence from Simon's tongue-lashing. He's making good googly eyes at the camera. Make the teenage girls melt, Tim! I actually liked it...but...of course, the judges do not agree. Wow. Randy didn't feel it--he said the performance was too karaoke. Aaand...Mind Grapes just professed her love for Bangs McGee. He's cute, but the voice just doesn't cut it for the judges. And, of course, Simon pulls the rug under all of us and utters those fateful words: "I liked you." BANGS!!! His shirt is really pink. Mind Grapes has Tim's idol number on her phone's screen. She is ready to make him the next American Idol.
Mind Grapes: "KRIIIIIIISSSSSS!!!!!!!"
Yep, that's right. There was another Ford Focus commercial. Luke Wilson seems to have gained a lot of weight...Sonny has a long beard, and apparently, Radiohead has really small hands collectively. Small hands. But a great band.
SEACREST!!! Lastly but not leastly is the actual Danny Gokey look-alike, Lee Dewyze, singing in the oh-so-coveted-Pimp-Spot!!! Take note, America, he actually sounds a little like Gokey in terms of tone. He'll be singing Hinder's "Lips of An Angel."
Is it just me, or is that the Starfield screensaver from Windows 98 as Lee's background?! Mind Grapes and I have just deemed him the GOKEY OF THE SEASON. Heed our ruling, internets! He's definitely more comfortable with this song, but he's a bit too pitchy/yell-y for my taste. Randy liked that he tried to step out of his comfort zone and is willing to turn a deaf ear to his pitchiness as is Ellen. She claims he has passion and intensity, but he just sounds gruffly out of tune to me. Surprisingly, the judges really, really like him....wait a second...let's just do a quick recap...
-Gruff Toned voice? Check.
-Scruffy face? Check.
-Being Pimped by the Judges AND in the PIMP SPOT this early in the competition?? Double. Check.
....Folks, I think we have just witnessed Lee's coronation as GOKEY, the 2nd a.k.a. GOKEY 2.0. Poor kid probably has no idea...But we know better, don't we? America, Get de-WISE and put the GO in GOKEY 2.0!!! (Oh...was that too loud?)
Who Zozizzle WANTS to go home.
The first: DEWYZE!!! Abdicate your newly-gotten Gokey throne!!!
The second: Jermaine-Try-Hard-Sellers. He wants to be a Picasso, but he's only got paint-by-numbers talent.
Who Zozizzle Thinks will Go Home:
1) Tondrick. Simon couldn't even pronounce his name correctly. Not a good sign.
2) Tim "Sanjaya 2.0" Urban
Zozizzle's Favorite:
He may have a mullet and he may be awkward, but his voice is lovely beyond measure!! I'm rooting for you, Awkward Mullet Lambert!
Mind Grapes's picks to go home:
Who I WANT to go:
1: JERMAINE OH DEAR GOD PLEASE GTFO OF MY TV SCREEN!!!!11111
2: Naked Casey! So I don't have to see Kara slobber all over him ever week :/
Who I think will go:
Jermaine and John Park :(
Mind Grapes's Favorite:
ALEX LAMBERT!!!!! No, really lol. Honestly, no one else really stood out for me. Everyone else SUCKED! Save Tim Urban though!!!!!
Mind Grapes: ...where's my ice cream?
Zozizzle: ...
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