FORKS

My review of New Moon:

Jacob Black....


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The Derelict's review of New Moon:

First, let me just say, that Humanity (but mostly the female population of the world) is very sad-making to me. Seriously, ladies, I question your taste level. Whoever thinks that anything Edward/Bella related is romantic needs to hand over their romance cards right this minute. Those two make me long for a good piece of lawn so that I can watch the grass grow. They are so boring in their attempts at lovey-dovey-ness that they make sniffing freshly painted walls seem like a good lifestyle choice. They are like a black hole of anti-romance, sucking in the emo teenagers who think "love" means mumbling and looking constipated at each other and feeling angsty every moment of their waking (and sleeping) lives. Trust me when I say this, I know romance. I dig what they call "old fashioned" romance as well, since I spend most of time watching old movie romances and reading old romantic literature. Twilight? Not old. Not fashioned. Anemically romantic. The only spark of chemistry and/or sexiness and/or romance comes whenever Jacob comes on screen, and yet at the end, Bella chooses Deadward and it's all just one big yawn-a-rama. More Jacob, less Edward (which is really saying something, since Edward is in this movie for maybe fifteen minutes total so how much less of him could there really be?).

This movie and the book series should just be about Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and the rest of the cool vampire peoples, because at least they smile occasionally, and act like human beings, and seem like they have personalities beyond "angsty vampire guy" and "angsty, depressed human girl." Frankly, if Bella Swan was a real person, I would punch her in the neck. I hate Bella more than Al Qaeda. If I had to make a choice between curing cancer and erasing Bella Swan from existence, I would be torn. That is how boring and lame she is. The fact that thousands, nay millions, of girls and women identify with her and are deeply invested in her story is frightening. I feel like I'm an alien who cannot identify with this strange race we call "woman." And I'm a freaking chick!!! Why is my own sex so depressingly stupid?!?! How are these books/movies popular?!?!?!?! HOW?!?!?!

I can't add anymore than this. Twilight makes me hope the terrorists will win.

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Wow! Thank you, The Derelict. That was beautiful :')