(Cont.) 83rd Academy Awards: The Live Blog Edition!

If the Ashitaka's Angels were ever to write a letter to the Oscars, I imagine it would go something like this: 

"Dear Oscars, 

You looked beautiful on Sunday night. The venue, as always, was classy and lustrous. However, the ceremony as a whole was just all right. And here's why:

Whoever writes the best caption for this gets a prize because I CAN'T EVEN. Ready? Go!!!

When Kirk Douglas, who is 6 years shy from claiming his centenarian card, is the most entertaining part of the night (and more awake than one of the co-hosts *cough* Franco!*cough*), it's not the best of signs. We love you, Oscars, for the big stars, the human moments, and, most importantly, for the WTF(!) moments. And while there were some, we definitely could have used more. That and less awkward banter. 

Sincerely, 

The Ashitka's Angels"

After which, our letter would be promptly thrown away by an Oscar producer's assistant, who unfortunately had enough curiosity to read it. 

Anyways, once again, we liveblogged film's biggest night, and discovered many things in the process.

In no particular order, here's what the Oscars revealed to us: 

1) Say What You Will, but The Oscars Create Great Montages

Highlights:
-Alec Baldwin trying Capri Sun's newest flavor: AMBIEN
-TRON REFERENCE (We love those here.)
-Anne Hathaway's Double Eye-Patch
-James Franco as a Bear
-Anne's Dance of the Brown Duck & James Franco Hopping Alongside in a Leotard

2) Whoever Styled Anne Hathaway on the Red Carpet and Backstage Needs to Get a Raise. Pronto.

Lea: we should count how many times Anne Hathaway changes her dress throughout the night

Z: oh, good idea!

And, oh, count them we did. We actually counted 9, but apparently, Anne Hathaway had 8 costume changes the entire night. Onstage, the changes were effortless, but backstage, my guess is that Anne Hathaway was constantly being followed by a dense fog of hairspray, semi-bedlam, and hair/wardrobe people. 

3) The Boston Accent Conspiracy

Melissa Leo: Oscar Winner for Best Supporting Actress, Ashitaka's Angels Award Winner for  Best (and only) Profane Moment

Going into the Oscars, Melissa Leo (from The Fighter), was the frontrunner for Best Supporting Actress, perhaps for myriad reasons. We, of course, had our own theories. When she won, we knew our theory had been confirmed:

Lea: I think you automatically win if you do a Boston accent

Z: aw, she's so stunned

Lea: OMG F-BOMB

Z: lol it's on the oscar checklist. 

Another event that supported our theory:

Lea: I was wondering why Jeremy Renner was nominated [for Best Supporting Actor in "The Town"], and then I remembered............BOSTON ACCENT

Of course, it was Christian Bale who ended up winning Best Supporting Actor for "The Fighter," which was just fine by us because...he's Christian Bale. 

Jesus Bale.

Lea: MY BEAUTIFUL BALE

WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!

Z: how many times do you think he'll swear in his speech?

Lea: he's holding back, darnit!

HIS BEARD IS GINGERY

It should be mentioned that in the movie, he played a former boxer with what??? That's right--a BOSTON ACCENT. 

4) We Will Never Escape TRON

I still want a light cycle.

Not only did Anne and James make a TRON reference in the 'True Grit' section of montage, but Kevin Flynn himself was at the ceremony in the flesh, of course. And, of course, we squeed. 

TRON also popped up in a surprising manner later on in the show. Now, if you've seen TRON: Legacy in theaters, you'll probably understand the reaction below. 

(as the nominees for Best Sound Editing are being listed):

Z: y'know which movie should not win for sound mixing?

TRON

TOO MUCH BASS

Lea: TRON

(as we find out TRON: LEGACY  is a nominee)

Z: lol it's nominated!!!

Lea: OMG THOUGH TRON OMG OMG OMG TRROOOONNNN

5) Though We Have a Bit of an Aversion to Randy Newman, We Have an Even Greater Aversion to Gwyneth Paltrow:

Winning his 500th Oscar for Best Original Song, "We Belong Together."

Lea: GTFO Randy Newman
Z: he's been nominated 1000 times for 5 songs
Lea: and he ALWAYS wins

On which awards show has she NOT sung? Oh, that's right. None of them.

Z: did you know that gwyneth paltrow is performing tonight?

Lea: SHE'S FOLLOWING ME

Z: gwyneth paltrow??

Lea: YES

SHE'S EVERYWHERE

Z: it's because she wants to sing for you 
Lea: GO AWAY

Z: LOL you're not alone in that sentiment

6) The Oscars Desperately Wants to be Young and Hip

Yes, it could be said that having Anne Hathaway and James Franco as co-hosts were a prime example of the Oscars' attempt of appealing to a younger audience. But the show went a step further. In a blatant and hilarious attempt to go viral, The Oscars gave us this auto-tuned gem:

Z:WHAT....THIS IS ONE THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF THE ENTIRE SHOW

Lea: WAT WAT WAT WAT WAT WAT

Z: this is UH MA ZING

Lea: CAN'T. BREATHE.

DOESN'T HE OWN A SHIRT

Z: NO WORDS

Lea: I just want to watch the Ron/Hermione thing again lol

7) Jake Gyllenhaal's Hotness Makes Certain Bloggers Come to Blows (Almost)

Jake, WE CAN'T QUIT YOU! Yes, the Brokeback Mountain reference is dated, but, hey, it still applies! Amirite?

Lea: GTFO Amy Adams

Jake, you can stay

Z: lol I HEART YOU GYLLENHAAL. I don't know how to spell your name, but i love you, jake!

Lea: GET THE FUCK OFF MY MAN

Z:i'll fight you, i swear. I ain't afraid. 

Also, I am a ninja. And a robot. A ninbot.

Lea: PUNCHES

Lea: I WILL KILL YOU W/ MY MIND, BTW

Z: who are you...SYLAR???? I

'll shuriken you in the eye

Lea: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY AWESOME SINGING SKILLS. I WILL SING YOU TO DEATH.

8) Our Abiding Love for Colin Firth Continues

King Firth: Best Actor at the Oscars; Also, the Most Swoon Worthy

His performance in "The King's Speech" really made the movie, so it was no surprise that he won.  And his acceptance speech was perhaps the best of the night.

Lea: :''''''''''''''')

SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW

HE IS SO CLASSY AND PERFECT

MR. DARCY!

Z: regal in every way

Lea: he's like 30 years older than me, yet i have the biggest crush on him

Z: completely understandable

9) The Academy Ultimately Tends to Lean Toward Movies that have the HIB Factor:

Best Picture Winner; Pantheon of British Talent

...meaning movies that are historical, inspirational, and...well, contain British people. In our minds, this put it over its closest competition for Best Picture, which we (and many others) believed was "The Social Network."

Lea: It's a more "classic" film in a lot of ways

Z: true. it's uplifting, based on a true story, british, pre WWII

Lea: exactly. a really really great film though, don't get me wrong

Lea: i guess for me, TSN was so different and surprising. And i really came out of the movie ~feeling something, you know? It stuck with me

Z: right! jesse eisenberg's an anti-hero with a small moment of redemption

Lea: right? and who is the bad guy in the movie, really? is anybody?

Z: it's a classic story about how wealth changes relationships

me: right. it's ambiguous

Lea: and it's done in such an engaging way

Z: maybe the academy didn't like that aspect of it

Lea: who thought a movie about facebook would be so compelling, really

All in all, it was a night with some bright and inspiring moments, but not too many surprises. It was still a good year for film, though, and hopefully, next year will find us still swooning after a great leading man and good montages, but writing a different pretend letter to the Academy. See you in 2012, Oscars!

[image credits: mtv.com, oscar.go.com, smh.com.au]

[video credits: youtube.com]